Flog a BookBubber 111: Carolyn Arnold

by Ray Rhamey
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Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

  • It begins to engage the reader with the character
  • Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
  • The character desires something.
  • The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
  • There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
  • It happens in the NOW of the story.
  • Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
  • Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
  • The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 lines of the prologue for Violated. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

THE MARK WAS IN HIS FORTIES, had no kids, and worked a white-collar job. Average height, average looks. Nothing was truly memorable about him except for his uncommon first name, and that was only because it belonged to a character from a popular eighties movie.

Ferris Hall.

She had followed him to some honky-tonk in Canyon Country, an unsavory location at any time of day, but factor in the late hour and it was even worse. But Ferris had chosen this dive as his hunting ground. Women were easier to lure in with a little chemical persuasion, and that was easy to pass off around here.

He entered the bar with head held high, his back straight, the tease of a smirk on his lips—the end of the evening a foregone conclusion in his mind. He was sipping on his first bourbon, though he was acting as if he was on his third by slurring his words and talking loudly. He’d even thrown a sway into his swagger. Somehow he always managed to make his eyes look bloodshot, too, furthering the charade. And the women would come. And the women would fall for his tricks.

Tonight, she’d be that woman, but she’d be his last. He had to learn there was a price to pay for his actions.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged 4.6 out of 5 stars on Amazon, a good strong rating. The writing is professional and the voice confident. And this prologue does a good job of raising story questions—what did the mark do? What is she going to do to him? With the last paragraph the author sets the hook with a promise of something going wrong for the mark—not exactly what is in store, but enough to provoke interest in me.

I do have one criticism, though—the vagueness and generality of “some honky-tonk.” Little details that don’t take up much room can give a narrative verisimilitude that creates a sense of reality. How difficult would it have been to give the bar a shady name? Also vague is “Canyon Country”—what the heck is that? A neighborhood? The author could do better in some areas, but there was enough for a page-turn from me.Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Mastering-60WWriting Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Front Patch 60WFantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

SummerBoy-60WMystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Hiding-Magic-60WScience Fiction Hiding Magic

Gundown-60WScience Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

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